Follow Up on Joanna

12 Apr


A while back, I wrote about a dear friend of mine who was struck with pancreatic cancer.

Unfortunately, she lost her battle a little over a week ago.

I don’t know what really to say about this one, other than that this girl was all fight, and all beauty in her fight. I’ve never seen someone so at peace with their situation, and so lovely through the pain. She was a beautiful person, inside and out and she’ll be missed terribly by so many.

Her family members are not strangers to cancer. Both her mom and dad also have fought their own battles, but have succeeded in their fight.

They’ve sacrificed everything for their girl. Even their home.

This is a ‘better late than never’ post, being that they’ve already reached their funeral goals (funeral already has passed), but I would love to extend the opportunity to, once again, help the Sadaka’s as they begin to move forward from this tragic loss.

Joanna, wherever you are, I know you’re resting peacefully now. The pain is gone. The hurt is behind you. I hope you have that flower crown on your beautiful mane of hair, and that you’re dancing joyfully, laughing as loudly as you possibly can, as often as you possibly can. Thank you for always caring about me, even while you were suffering through your own hell. We all love you. You will be missed forever.

Monday Can Kiss It

2 Nov

Pretty sure nothing feels worse than leaving the house so early in the morning that you weren’t able to see/nurse your baby, just to sit in so much traffic, you’re actually late to work, BESIDES hearing your older son say “mama, I still need breakfast!” as you’re hustling him out the door.

If ever I’ve been optimistic, all optimism left my body by 7:30AM today. Seriously.

I packed everything up last night, had it all set and we were ready for this morning, as we went to sleep at 9. Pump packed, just add ice pack. Clothes set aside, just find pants in the morning. Snacks/traffic-style breakfast items packed, travel coffee cup clean and ready for brewing. Kid’s backpack packed and ready to go, just fill water bottle in the morning. Slow cooker dinner items set aside and ready, except for meats, which would be added in the morning too. R-E-A-D-Y… or not.

Couldn’t find my pants in the morning, kid watched too much TV while I got ready, and sure, he had a banana and string cheese, but I DIDN’T MAKE HIM BREAKFAST, so he ate dry cereal on the way to school in the car. And of course, the baby; asleep, unfed and uninterested in bottles still. #momguilt See ya later little guy. Hope you don’t starve all day. I’ll be home by bedtime.

Then to top it all off, traffic was terrible. Go figure. It was so bad, that as early as I left, I still got to the office later than I should have. This is going to be much more of an adjustment than I expected it to be. MUCH MORE.

If you see me before noon, don’t ask how I’m doing… just expect that I’m still shaking off the chaos of the morning and am feeling like a terrible mother. Asking me how I’m doing will likely open a can of worms that you don’t want the answer to. So, just be nice and say “it’s nice to see you” or “good morning” and accept my scowl as a kind “good morning, it’s nice to see you too” for now.

I’m sure I’ll return to my happy self soon. This can’t/won’t last forever. But, the mom guilt is strong and until I figure out how to have a giant commute on top of everything else, just hang tight cuz I’m trying to hang tight too.

QUEUE TOTAL MELTDOWN: While pumping in the super fancy closet/storage room for one of our clients, my brand new, fancy Madela Freestyle Pump, jiggled itself off of the table, and facedown onto the floor, breaking the screen. Now, none of the fancy features work, though as it is, I was manually pumping one side, while electric pumping the other, since for some weird reason, the suction wasn’t working BEFORE the fall even. As I bent down to pick the motor up, I spilled milk ALL OVER my legs. Like, ALL over, and the floor. and the everything, every where. #isitnotmondayanymoreyet?

16w and the End of Leave

30 Oct

Looks like it’s here. I’ve known it was coming since before it began, but it’s here. The end of maternity leave and the return to work. 

I was lucky enough to have 16 weeks at home with my kids this time. Though most people get 6-12 weeks, I got 16. A rarity and a true testament to the “family first” philosophy my boss shares. 16 weeks. 

At this point in my new son’s life, he’s cooing and smiling, bordering laughter. He’s happy and wonderful and I am truly blessed that he’s my little guy. Of all the mama’s laps he could have fallen out of the little cloud of baby angels he was chillin on before earth, he fell into mine. He’s been the peace to my storm and my joy in the bleakness that has surrounded my little family for the last few months. Well, he and his brother have been my joy, but toddlers are toddlers and baby’s can’t talk yet, so he’s not old enough to challenge me outside of normal baby challenges, yet… You understand what I’m saying. My Remy is a fireball. A lover and a fighter, stronger willed than many, hilarious and sweet, and a handful. My Desy is just pure joy. 

I’m lucky. I got him for 16 weeks. Through all the drama that’s occurred in that time, my comfort is in knowing that I had that time to handle it. If I had been at work while we went through the last 4 months worth of junk, I don’t know that I would still have a job. Instead of relaxing and soaking up my new baby’s newness, we’ve been confronting odds stacked so high up against us, we should have broken, but we didn’t because I had those 16 weeks.  
And now, they’re done. This was my last baby and therefore my last 16 weeks I’ll ever have to be in baby land, but it’s over. 

Tomorrow I’ll open my eyes and he’ll be turning one. The next day I’ll open my eyes and he’ll be turning two. Time passes so quickly with kids and while working, it passes at lightening speed. They grow up. We grow old. They take over. Omg. I’m 70 already! But time really does fly and starting tomorrow, we enter the super speed time warp that will have my kids graduating high school and off to college, getting married and having their own babies. 

I don’t want to miss his first laugh. I don’t want to miss his first steps. But I probably will and somehow I have to figure out how to be ok with that. 

My first day back happened to coincide exactly with Desy’s turning 16 weeks old.  
(Yes, he’s wearing the same outfit at the day he turned 13 weeks. #favorites)

This is what the counter looked like when I left the house in the morning with a sick baby at home:  
This is what my baby looked like when I left in the morning as I walked out the door: 
This is what my car looked like all packed up for the day:  

This was my desk at work:   

This is the room I pump in:   

This is the face I came back to: 

It’s going to be hard. I know that. Transitions often are. But the bottom line is that I’m a mama and my family needs to be able to rely on me inside and outside of the home for now. I am teaching my boys equality in the work-place. That women are strong. I’m teaching them that their mom would do anything to take care of them. I’m teaching them to dream and succeed. I’m teaching them that I love them and that no matter how far away I feel sometimes, I’m always there fighting for our family. 

Cheers to living for the weekend again! 

Goodbye 4th Trimester

9 Oct

He’s 3 months old! That means that the 4th trimester is over and I have a real baby on my hands. Not just a crying little wormy newborn, but a real baby, with likes and dislikes and smiles and laughter. Yup. Welcome to real life, little guy.

So far, Desy’s favorite things are nursing, smiling and his big brother Remy. Seriously. I was excited about the brother bond before he was born, but seeing the way he lights up with his big brother is around, well, there are just no words for that.

Speaking of big brother, he’s been SO GOOD!!!! I’m shocked by it daily. When he sees “Baby Des” he gets so excited and wants to hold him or kiss him, it’s just awesome. He also nicknamed him “Noooookie” pronounced just like that. Noooookie.

Desy was about 3 days old when he got this name. After we moved, we found a restaurant in our new hood called “The Nook” and they have a big sign inside that says “Nookie’s”. Needless to say, it’s the only restaurant Remy ever wants to go to… Good thing though, cuz the pancakes. Yum.

I’ll update this post with my giant baby’s stats after his apt next week, but for now, he’s huge, delish, and amazing. Such a sweet soul, I can already tell. Happy 3 months of life little man. Mama loves you.  

HEIGHT: 24.5″

WEIGHT: 16.04lbs

The Happiest $2 I Ever Spent. 

13 Sep

For about 8 years, I’ve had a $2 bill in my wallet. A long time ago someone told me that if you kept a $1 bill in your wallet, you’d always have money if you needed it. So, my lucky $2 bill has kept me out of trouble and I’ve never needed to spend it. 

Today though, we went on an adventure that wasn’t what we planned, but so much more fun. Heading for the Autry Museum turned into a detour to Travel Town, In-N-Out for lunch and PONY RIDES instead of naps! #momoftheyear

By the time we got to the ponies, we were out of cash. I had forgotten that the Griffith Park Pony Rides are CASH ONLY!!!! #worstmomoftheyear

My little cowboy was so sad!! The Trains took credit cards, but the ponies don’t. WTF GPPR?? 

While daddy and Remy headed for (another) train ride, I remembered that $2 bill in my wallet. Pony rides are $3, and what mom can’t scrounge $1 in change from the bottom of the car (sure it may be hiding under French fries, but you know it’s there somewhere). 

It was the best $2 I’ve ever spent. As the boys took off zooming past me on the train, I got to wave the pony ride ticket to show my boy. I didn’t get a pic of that smile, but let’s just say he was so happy. And that made it all worth it. 






And then there’s me and the baby: 


Clearly, baby is jealous that he isn’t old enough for pony rides.  


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